“Do not save your loving speeches
For your friends till they are dead
Do not write them on their tombstones
Speak them rather now instead”.
Death is a horrible subject, we don’t like to talk about, we don’t want it to happen to any of our loved ones. We certainly don’t want it to happen to innocent young children whose lives had not really begun. So how do we make sense of it, how do we cope.
It is not just our loved one’s that cause an ache that hurts so much, it is also beloved pets that were once part of the family. (I come across a lot of people who hurt as much over losing a pet as they do a human – only pet lovers will understand this).
When a loved one dies, it is a most distressing time. Words sometimes do not help but I will try and put some words on this page to help those hurting so much at this time.
You will get through this. I know that makes no sense to you at this time because your hurt is so raw. You will think that the sky will always remain dark and your heart pounding will never lift to see any sunshine. Losing someone so close can affect your life dramatically, thoughts will pop into your head at odd times, you will miss them in the most bizarre of places, just walking in a supermarket and realising you don’t need Coco-pops or cat food anymore – will hurt like crazy.
What’s important is to remember them with fondness, recall funny tales and count your blessings because you DID share a life together (albeit for a short period sometimes).
Losing a loved one can make you angry, bitter or even blaming yourself for not caring enough, visiting regularly or perhaps you had an argument and didn’t have the chance to say sorry. You may feel angry with them because they left you alone. It is normal to have these feelings which will help with the stages of grief. It is even more difficult to bear when a person has died through tragic circumstances and someone was to blame.
These unbelievable tragedies can cause severe shock. Your world may suddenly seem small, slightly claustrophobic; you may even feel annoyed when other people moan about their mum, dad, friend when you have just lost yours.
At this time you may hibernate, ignoring phone calls, not eating or even washing. But your friends love you dearly and want to support you during this difficult time. They will have no words to comfort but they can hold your hand and wipe your tears.
I am not saying that life can ever be exactly the same because we know it can’t but it can get back (with time) some sense of normality.
Look after yourself, you will need strength to see you through the dark days ahead. When my mum died in my early 20’s, I wanted to shout ‘STOP WORLD’ just stop and understand my pain. But the world kept on doing what the world keeps on doing. Luckily I had my aunt to support me. If you can find someone to hold on to just for that little bit, that little bit of feeling okay, then go and find them. That little bit of ‘I feel okay’ is what is going to turn you into ‘I AM okay’ and ‘I can go on with life’.
It is important to reach out to others
The Samaritans 08457 90 90 90
Cruse 0844 4779400
Talk to the person who has died, they loved you very much, they want you to have a good life, they would only ever want for you be happy. Feel blessed that you were able to spend part of their life with you.
“Yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep”
Old Testament (Proverbs)
Remember it is okay to cry, remember the memories and try not to spend too much time alone. With much love to you and a big hug ♥
(this is a slightly changed abridged Chapter from my book).